Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide for Young Couples

When my husband and I met, we were in a long-distance relationship for four years before we were engaged and eventually married. This blog post breaks down a simple, long-distance relationship survival guide for young couples. I share personal insight on the things we did and experienced that helped with making our long-distance relationship last.

Once married, my husband moved to Canada from England but that ultimate fairy tale did not come without its challenges. Those months and years of enduring a long-distance partnership will be the most exciting but also the toughest and loneliest ones you’ll experience.

If you’re reading this post, you’ve likely never been in a long-distance relationship before and have no basis to from.  We too had no idea what we were getting ourselves into and the adventures (bad and good) that lay ahead. Needless to say, we knew two things were certain: we were so in love and wanted to make it work. 

The next four years were a combination of trial and error, lonely nights, amazing trips, tears, fights and a whole lot of love in between. One thing I can take away from our experience is this: long-distance relationships are extremely tough but are worth it if you hang on for the ride. 

The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide (and how you can make it work, too!)

Have a Plan for the Future

During your relationship, you will miss countless birthdays, anniversaries, dates, and other special in-person moments. Within the first year, you’ll need to figure out the end goal and know how far you want to go as a couple.  You’ll need to be honest with each other (and yourselves) about what you want from the relationship. 

You’ll approach the “what are we” stage very early on but it’s a necessary conversation. I know that this probably goes against all the cliches of millennial dating and courtship that encourage you to not ask for what you want or to be straightforward in relationships.

I’m here to say ignore that backwards way of thinking. You’ll need to erase those toxic relationship narratives out of your mind and think proactively. Knowing what you want and where you want your relationship to go is important, especially while doing it long-distance. Knowing early on if you are on the same page about the future will save you a lot of time and heartache.

Set a Goal Together

Having something to work towards will give you something to look forward to as well as something to keep you fighting for your relationship. It’s difficult to keep pushing for something that you don’t see an end goal for. That may sometimes mean making sacrifices in your day-to-day life to help with saving money to contribute to the big move, to buy plane tickets or to take time away from work. The list is endless. 

So whether the goal is to move in one year or two, set it. Have that discussion. You may find that you don’t agree on the same things but this allows for those moments of reality that are necessary in any relationship and you realize that you have very little time to be uncertain and not know what you want as individuals and as a couple. 

Communicate and Be Transparent

This may seem like a no-brainer but there is no path to making a long-distance relationship work without establishing a foundation of open communication. With that being said, I think it’s very easy to mistake “talking” for “communicating”. The two are not synonymous. Talking is merely having dialogue and conversation but that could easily be small talk and catching up about your day.

Communication requires you to be open about how you feel internally- good or bad, it is about going below the surface and discussing things that may be uncomfortable. Until those pain points are touched on, it can be difficult to truly be transparent with your partner. Since you are not living near one another, you will need to be intentional about the information you share with your partner and essentially be an open book.

In this blog post, I share 25 thoughtful and conversational questions to ask your partner. This is a great activity that will allow you to get to know each other and invoke a new level of conversation and connection. I also recommend some of these great couples’ books to help improve your communication and bring you emotionally, closer together.

Allow Yourself to be Vulnerable

There were days when I would get down about not being able to spend weekends together, not having the opportunity to go for impromptu dates. Seeing other couples in public doing “normal” things like holding hands was hard.

Rather than keeping that sadness inside and crying myself to sleep (which I still did at times!) I would take that an as opportunity to call or text my partner and let him know that I was having one of “those days” and we’d bond over it.

This allowed us to both feel reassured that we weren’t alone in what we were going through emotionally. These moments helped us to build an emotional connection that we otherwise may not have had the opportunity to endure had we dated the traditional way.

We learned not to take the moments we shared for granted and without realizing it, it forced us to be more in tune with our feelings and address the “elephant in the room” about a lot of things. We developed a deep level of emotional intimacy. 

Send Each Other Handwritten Letters

Other than seeing each other every few months, there is nothing I looked forward to more than receiving his handwritten letters. They always make me feel like I was reliving a Nick Spark’s novel, where the two characters were separated by thousands of miles and the only way they kept in touch was by writing letters in the dark under the dim light of an oil lamp. I’m total a sucker for romantic movies.

Though we spoke every day, we enjoyed spilling out our love and adoration for one another on paper, daydreaming about what our life together would be like once we finally had the opportunity to live in the same time zone. By taking time to yourself to reflect and think deep, it allows you to verbalize on paper the things that don’t always come to mind when you’re on the phone. 

I found a lot of really creative ideas on Pinterest for sending letters, notes and long-distance gift ideas! It’s a fun way to keep you in the spirit of thinking about your next project, letter or gift idea. We often read the cards and letters we wrote to each other over the years and they’re such beautiful memories to have. It’s an amazing way to relive your relationship through first-hand accounts years later. Text messages disappear with phone updates but letters are forever.

Long-Distance Relationships Can Work if You Don’t Treat Them Like Traditional Relationships

To sum it all up, making your long-distance relationship work requires a lot of planning and intention. It isn’t always as whimsical and The Notebook-esque as it appears in movies. I dare even say that it often requires more work than the traditional relationship.

Having a plan for the future is not always a method for approaching the normal dating scene because it tends to make sense to “go with the flow” and see what happens. It makes sense and the circumstances allow for that. On the other hand, going with the same “flow” can be financially and emotionally costly when you’re dating long distance. 

Related: 

Three Lessons From Our First Year of Marriage

Ten Rules for Fighting Fair in Marriage