When we have been in a relationship for quite some time, we like to believe that we know everything there is to know about our partners. It’s important to nurture your relationship by continuing to learn about each other and further your connection.

Naturally, the longer you know your partner, you let your guard down and allow them to see a different side of you that you might now trust other people with. I hope that these 25 intimate questions can help you get meaningful conversation flowing.

25 Questions to Ask Your Partner to Get to Know Each Other Better

• What is one quality you have that you hope our children inherit?

• What is one quality of mine that you hope our children inherit?

• In any aspect of you life, what makes you feel safe?

• When was the last time you felt completely vulnerable?

• What is one fear that you have that you don’t think you’ll ever overcome?

• What is something you’ve learned in your adult life that you wish you could tell your younger self?

• In what way would you like to grow as an individual in one year?

• What is one thing you enjoy about this point in your life?

• In what way have we grown as a couple?

• If we were never in a relationship, what is one quality about me that would make us great friends?

• What have you learned about yourself in the last year?

• What is one thing that you wish more people knew about you?

Games to Try With Your Partner on Your Next Date Night In

• If you had to listen to one album for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?

• If you had a pick a song that defines who you are, what would it be?

• What is your favourite way to receive love from me?

• Name one thing that our relationship has taught you about yourself.

• When are you most comfortable and at peace?

• What is/are your love language(s)?

• If you could travel back to any era and spend the day with someone, where would you go and who would you choose?

• When was the last time you did something for the first time?

• If you had five minutes to speak and the whole world stopped to listen, what would you say?

• If you could eat one food every day for the rest of your life, what would it be?

• In one word, tell me what your passion is.

• What do you need most in this world? What can you not fathom living without?

• If a biopic of your life was made, which actor would you want to play you?

There are just some ideas of great questions to get the conversation flowing and get to know your partner in a different way. This is a great game to play during an at-home date night with a bottle of wine.

Related: How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work

The post 25 Fun and Conversational Questions to Ask Your Partner appeared first on Told By Jo.

Once married, my husband moved to Canada from England but that ultimate fairy tale did not come without its challenges. Those months and years of enduring a long-distance partnership will be the most exciting but also the toughest and loneliest ones you’ll experience.

If you’re reading this post, you’ve likely never been in a long-distance relationship before and have no basis to from.  We too had no idea what we were getting ourselves into and the adventures (bad and good) that lay ahead. Needless to say, we knew two things were certain: we were so in love and wanted to make it work. 

The next four years were a combination of trial and error, lonely nights, amazing trips, tears, fights and a whole lot of love in between. One thing I can take away from our experience is this: long-distance relationships are extremely tough but are worth it if you hang on for the ride. 

The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide (and how you can make it work, too!)

Have a Plan for the Future

During your relationship, you will miss countless birthdays, anniversaries, dates, and other special in-person moments. Within the first year, you’ll need to figure out the end goal and know how far you want to go as a couple.  You’ll need to be honest with each other (and yourselves) about what you want from the relationship. 

You’ll approach the “what are we” stage very early on but it’s a necessary conversation. I know that this probably goes against all the cliches of millennial dating and courtship that encourage you to not ask for what you want or to be straightforward in relationships.

I’m here to say ignore that backwards way of thinking. You’ll need to erase those toxic relationship narratives out of your mind and think proactively. Knowing what you want and where you want your relationship to go is important, especially while doing it long-distance. Knowing early on if you are on the same page about the future will save you a lot of time and heartache.

Set a Goal Together

Having something to work towards will give you something to look forward to as well as something to keep you fighting for your relationship. It’s difficult to keep pushing for something that you don’t see an end goal for. That may sometimes mean making sacrifices in your day-to-day life to help with saving money to contribute to the big move, to buy plane tickets or to take time away from work. The list is endless. 

So whether the goal is to move in one year or two, set it. Have that discussion. You may find that you don’t agree on the same things but this allows for those moments of reality that are necessary in any relationship and you realize that you have very little time to be uncertain and not know what you want as individuals and as a couple. 

Communicate and Be Transparent

This may seem like a no-brainer but there is no path to making a long-distance relationship work without establishing a foundation of open communication. With that being said, I think it’s very easy to mistake “talking” for “communicating”. The two are not synonymous. Talking is merely having dialogue and conversation but that could easily be small talk and catching up about your day.

Communication requires you to be open about how you feel internally- good or bad, it is about going below the surface and discussing things that may be uncomfortable. Until those pain points are touched on, it can be difficult to truly be transparent with your partner. Since you are not living near one another, you will need to be intentional about the information you share with your partner and essentially be an open book.

In this blog post, I share 25 thoughtful and conversational questions to ask your partner. This is a great activity that will allow you to get to know each other and invoke a new level of conversation and connection. I also recommend some of these great couples’ books to help improve your communication and bring you emotionally, closer together.

Allow Yourself to be Vulnerable

There were days when I would get down about not being able to spend weekends together, not having the opportunity to go for impromptu dates. Seeing other couples in public doing “normal” things like holding hands was hard.

Rather than keeping that sadness inside and crying myself to sleep (which I still did at times!) I would take that an as opportunity to call or text my partner and let him know that I was having one of “those days” and we’d bond over it.

This allowed us to both feel reassured that we weren’t alone in what we were going through emotionally. These moments helped us to build an emotional connection that we otherwise may not have had the opportunity to endure had we dated the traditional way.

We learned not to take the moments we shared for granted and without realizing it, it forced us to be more in tune with our feelings and address the “elephant in the room” about a lot of things. We developed a deep level of emotional intimacy. 

Send Each Other Handwritten Letters

Other than seeing each other every few months, there is nothing I looked forward to more than receiving his handwritten letters. They always make me feel like I was reliving a Nick Spark’s novel, where the two characters were separated by thousands of miles and the only way they kept in touch was by writing letters in the dark under the dim light of an oil lamp. I’m total a sucker for romantic movies.

Though we spoke every day, we enjoyed spilling out our love and adoration for one another on paper, daydreaming about what our life together would be like once we finally had the opportunity to live in the same time zone. By taking time to yourself to reflect and think deep, it allows you to verbalize on paper the things that don’t always come to mind when you’re on the phone. 

I found a lot of really creative ideas on Pinterest for sending letters, notes and long-distance gift ideas! It’s a fun way to keep you in the spirit of thinking about your next project, letter or gift idea. We often read the cards and letters we wrote to each other over the years and they’re such beautiful memories to have. It’s an amazing way to relive your relationship through first-hand accounts years later. Text messages disappear with phone updates but letters are forever.

Long-Distance Relationships Can Work if You Don’t Treat Them Like Traditional Relationships

To sum it all up, making your long-distance relationship work requires a lot of planning and intention. It isn’t always as whimsical and The Notebook-esque as it appears in movies. I dare even say that it often requires more work than the traditional relationship.

Having a plan for the future is not always a method for approaching the normal dating scene because it tends to make sense to “go with the flow” and see what happens. It makes sense and the circumstances allow for that. On the other hand, going with the same “flow” can be financially and emotionally costly when you’re dating long distance. 

Related: 

Three Lessons From Our First Year of Marriage

Ten Rules for Fighting Fair in Marriage

The post Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide for Young Couples appeared first on Told By Jo.

Arguments are inevitable in any relationship, we’ve all heard this 101 times- but particularly in marriage. You’re in each other’s space all day every day, you’re learning each other’s habits, quirks and annoying tendencies and disagreements are bound to ensue.

I’m a firm believer in speaking your mind and opening up about your emotions- whether positive or negative. With that being said, I’ve grown to understand that the approach is everything. Often times the point we’re trying to get across gets lost in the delivery.

Before you know it, you’re upset about how something was addressed rather than what was actually the topic of discussion. Here are ten rules for fighting fair in marriage and how to amicably overcome disagreements.

Ten Rules for Fighting Fair in Marriage (they really work!)

1. Don’t over-generalize. Refrain from using words such as “always” and “never” in the negative.

2. Don’t keep your emotions and feelings bottled up. You’ll be a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

3. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and assume they never intended to hurt your feelings or upset you. Don’t assume you know why they did something or what they’re going to say in their defence.

4. Don’t seek comfort in others about your marital squabbles. Instead, take some time to reflect and try to understand your own feelings and actions. I find that praying helps me to verbalize what I’m feeling and the outcome I’m looking for.

5. To piggyback on the last rule- PRAY. I can’t stress this enough. Pray for you spouse, your marriage and yourself. Many things happen that are beyond our control and only the strength of God can pull us through.

6. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Try to look at the situation from their point of view.

7. No matter how upset and angry you are, sleep in the same bed.

8. Don’t aim to “win”. If this is your end goal, you’ve already lost.

9. Try to remember ONE positive thing about your partner and your relationship. It’s easy in moments of anger to compile a mental list of all the things you despise and forget the good.

10. Use “I” statements. For example, “ I feel ___ because…”

Related: Three Lessons from Year One of Marriage

The post Ten Rules for Fighting Fair in Marriage appeared first on Told By Jo.

When my husband and I chose to skip the big wedding, it wasn’t because we didn’t love the idea of celebrating with friends and family. It was because we wanted to start our marriage focusing on us – not on seating charts and linen colours. And spoiler: it was one of the best decisions we ever made.

If you’re considering a courthouse wedding (or city hall ceremony), here’s how to make it feel personal, beautiful, and 100% you.

6 Steps to Planning a Memorable Courthouse Wedding

Step 1: Know the Rules Before You Plan

Every courthouse is different, so start by checking the requirements in your city.

• What documents do you need?
• Are there waiting periods?
• Do you need a marriage license in advance of the ceremony?
• How much does it cost?
• Do you need witnesses?

Pro tip: Even if it’s just paperwork, this step sets the tone for a stress-free day so handle it early and get it out of the way.

Step 2: Choose a Date That Matters

One of the perks of a courthouse wedding is flexibility. Pick a date that means something to you: your first date anniversary, the day you moved in together, or even a weekday for a more private experience. Most courthouses or city hall building offer private ceremonies so you’re not in a room with 50 other people waiting in line to tie the knot.

Step 3: Keep the Guest List Close

Most courthouses limit guests anyway, but honestly, that’s part of the charm. Invite only the people you can’t imagine not being there. Your day will feel a lot more intimate and meaningful. This is also an excuse to cut the person that does your fifth cousin twice removed, that your mom would have forced you to invite.

Step 4: Let Your Style Shine

You don’t need a traditional gown unless you want one. Whether it’s a chic mini dress, a jumpsuit, or a two-piece set, wear something that makes you feel amazing. You shouldn’t have to skip out on the dress shopping experience if that’s part of your vision. Grab your favourite girls and spend an afternoon trying on dresses, documenting the experience and just having fun.

Then, when you’re ready, order a dress you love based on your favourite styles. You don’t have to shop in traditional bridal shops. You can find great dress options at some of your favourite stores.

Courthouse Wedding Dress Picks Under $200:

Step 5: Add Small but Meaningful Touches

• Write personal vows.
• Carry a small, custom-made bouquet of your favourite blooms.
• Hire a photographer for an hour. Don’t skip out on the photo memories.
• Play a special song as you walk in.

It’s those details that make your day yours.

Step 6: Arrive Early & Take It In

Give yourself a buffer so you’re not rushed. Once it’s your turn, breathe, look around, and remember this is the moment you become a family.

Our Courthouse Wedding Story

When we got engaged, we were living in a tiny one-bedroom apartment and dreaming of buying our first home. Spending thousands on a wedding didn’t feel right for us. So we planned a small courthouse ceremony with our closest family and friends, and it was perfect.

Our officiant made us laugh, our favourite people were in the background cheering us on, and we left hand-in-hand knowing we’d done things our way. Then we had a beautiful lunch at one of our favourite restaurants to end the day.

The Takeaway

A courthouse wedding is proof that small can still be spectacular. With intention, a little style, and the right people by your side, it’s every bit as magical as the fairy tale wedding you dreamed of as a little girl.

If you still want to live out your big party dreams, you can plan a vow renewal ceremony down the line and have the big celebration party you’ve always wanted.

Related: 25 Fun and Conversational Questions to Ask Your Partner

10 Rules for Fighting Fair in Marriage

The post How to Make a Courthouse Wedding Feel Special (Without Spending a Fortune) appeared first on Told By Jo.

Rarely to do those conversations dabble on topics such as finances and money management- the nitty gritty. According to research, money is the number one cause for divorce these days. That’s a scary stat!

I’ve yet to really understand why people are funny about money and why it is such a taboo subject. After all, what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is ours, right? However this is not always the case. In this post I’ll be sharing money management tips for newlyweds.

I’ve never been the greatest at budgeting, but I’d like to think that I have the right mindset when it comes to saving. After my husband and I moved in together, it became reality that we had new financial obligations that were now our priority. Going from living at home with our parents, baring minimal financial responsibilities, to becoming in charge of your own household overnight was a major switch. We now came to the realization that the money that was once allocated to other mindless things was simply going to be funneled into our new responsibilities like rent, car payments, insurance, savings, etc.

Be transparent about your relationship with money

What was very helpful for us, and still is, was being transparent with one another about money. This included sharing our personal financial goals and past hardships, which in turn helped us to get on the same page and figure out how we would manage our own household. 

Like my husband always says, the income of two goes further than that of one. Knowing what goals you want to reach together helps you to structure your life accordingly. You’re building for your future together not planning for it separately.

Decide how the money is to be handled and organized

It’s important to decide very early on how your finances are going to be organized. For example, shared operational accounts, shared savings, separate accounts with a joint savings account, etc. Figure out what works for you and the level of transparency you’re comfortable with. 

Whatever the case may be in your situation, it’s important to be honest about it. Call me old-fashioned I believe in the philosophy what once you’re married, all you have it put together and becomes “ours” vs “mine and yours”. I learned this from my parents at a young age and I admired their openness. I strongly believe that it builds trust and security.

Should everything be split 50/50?

I think that once you get in the habit of going 50/50 on everything, where do you draw the line? Are the bills split in half? Groceries? Travel? What happens when a baby is in the picture and one parent takes maternal or paternal leave, how will the financial responsibilities be divided then? The list goes on and on. I don’t want to feel like my husband is merely a roommate who I just happen to share the same last name with. 

I believe that this marriage endeavour is partnership in all aspects. There is comfort in knowing that no matter the hurdles life may throw at you that will test and try your relationship, you are going to go into battle together, for each other. You will find very little success if you’re in it for yourself and only looking out for your best interest. There is a lot of pressure that comes with adjusting to life as newlyweds and transparency can help to ease the transition. 

A good friend once said to us that marriage is being comfortable walking back to back with your partner and not being able to see what’s going on behind you but trusting that they’ll keep you protected. Somehow you feel so safe that even without being able to see where you’re going from all angles, you know that your partner has got you covered from their side.

Learn to enjoy your hard earned money

So even amid saving and being money conscious, don’t allow money to preoccupy your every thought or let it stop you from enjoying our hard work and reaping the rewards. Treat yourself once or twice a month to a romantic dinner or book a weekend getaway. 

By not making money the epicenter of your relationship will allow you to focus on what matters the most – the two of you.

Tips to help you save and enjoy your money at the same time

• Open a shared bank account to be used for household maintenance, bills, etc.

• Write down a list of every single expense that you are responsible for on a monthly basis. Don’t forget to factor things like gas for the car, buying coffee and lunch at work, etc. Be realistic. Become familiar with exactly how much it costs to actually live on a month to month basis.

• Once all the bills and necessary payments have been made, decide on an amount that will be moved to a shared savings account. 

• Treat your savings account as a bill. Do not spend any leisure money until you have satisfied that savings account “bill”.

• Unless extremely necessary, avoid dipping back into the savings. If this is something that you are doing regularly, rework your budget and reduce the amount of money you’re moving into savings.

• When the major financial obligations are out of the way, utilize the rest of your money to do something together as a couple and create memories. These are priceless experiences.

• Being frugal is not the only way to be financially responsible. Give yourself grace while living within your means.

• Building a good relationship with money while being transparent and vulnerable about your financial past is a process so treat it as such.

QUESTION: What has helped you and your partner better manage your money?

Related: Simple Money Hacks to Help You Save for a Big Purchase

The post Money Management for Newlyweds appeared first on Told By Jo.

Despite all the advice we were given by people from all walks of life my husband and I decided to embark on this journey blindly and do things our own way. After all, our relationship up until the point of marriage had been anything but conventional so why stop now, we thought.

For us, this meant not living up to he standards and expectations of others but instead truly marching to the beat of our own drum.

My maternal grandmother would drop to her knees if she ever heard me say that in our house, my husband and I share the domestic duties. Then she’d proceed to lecture me to change my ways. Bless her.

*Cue African parents criticizing the millennial way of life*

Our first year of marriage was nothing short of amazing. I’ve come to learn that with the right partner, the transition can be a smooth one. However, I can’t pretend that there weren’t and still aren’t any major learning curves that come with getting to know someone whilst living under the same roof, all guards down. No filter.

In this post, I’m sharing with you three first-year marriage lessons.

Contrary to popular belief, it’s actually okay to go to bed upset and without resolving an issue.

I won’t take credit for this one because God knows I can talk anyone’s ear off until I feel better. My husband can attest to this. But if there’s anything he has taught me it that it’s sometimes necessary, and perfectly okay, to take a step back and calm down, regroup and allow yourself to sit with your feelings. This helps a great deal to understand why you feel the way you do and to figure out if your emotions are influencing the problem in front of you. More often than not, you’ll wake up with a clear head and can better have a productive conversation at a later time.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t struggle with this one but with growth and self discovery, you learn to understand what makes you tick on a deeper level and are better able to confront those triggers with yourself. It helps with learning to separate the emotions from the situation and realizing that they’re not one in the same. This one is still a work in progress for me but I can now say I understand the process. The emotions are usually temporary and subjective but after careful observation (and time!) you find that they are not, then there is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

You can’t live up to unrealistic expectations.

For the first 2 or 3 months that we lived together, I tried make sure that the house was always vacuumed and mopped daily, and that I cooked a hot meal every night. I wanted to be the ultimate wife. I still do, but a more realistic version. Along with going to work, school and living life in between, I basically thought I had to be a superhero in civilian clothes.

I thought that this is what I was meant to do as a wife. Not that there is anything wrong with the above, but I quickly realized that I couldn’t keep up with this routine and I broke down. I felt defeated and exhausted. It wasn’t until I expressed these feelings to my husband (who had no idea up until this point), I came to understand that he didn’t expect me to be superwoman and wait on him hand and foot.

Being raised in an African household, you are constantly told that your home must be polished from floor to ceiling, regardless of the day of the week. You must be the perfect representation of your upbringing. But what’s missing in that backwards equation is everything else that comes along with life, especially in the western world. This one was a major lesson for me. Once I overcame it I finally realized that it’s perfectly okay to leave the dishes in the sink for tomorrow and for the dirty laundry to end up on the floor. Through this realization I found relief and peace. 

Weekend getaways and date nights are a must.

This one gets me every time when people say to me (usually single friends) “you live together with no kids, what do you need to get away from?” Hmm, where do I begin? How about wanting to snuggle up and watch a movie in peace without the dishes taunting me from across the room. Or my favorite- letting someone else cook for us and not having to worry about cleaning up. Or realizing that though you live under the same roof, days can pass without being able to have a face to face conversation because of opposing work schedules. Your daily check-ins then start to come in the form of text messages and two minute scattered phone calls throughout the day.

The list goes on. Sometimes a change of scenery is good and allows you to focus on each other without the distraction of everything else that constantly requires your immediate attention. This is something we’ve prioritized in our marriage early on and have no intentions of compromising.

We believe in being able to take care of responsibilities while also enjoying the fruits of our labors. They’ll come a time when quality time will be hard to achieve and I don’t ever want to look back and wish we had spent more time together, made more memories, and stopped to enjoy the newly wed bliss.

Comment down below and share some of your first-year marriage lessons that might be helpful to other newlyweds or seasoned couples. 

Related: 10 Rules for Fighting Fair in Marriage

The post Three First Year Marriage Lessons from Newlyweds appeared first on Told By Jo.